Not expected

I have breast cancer. My doctor/friend called me this morning to give me the results of my tests. She didn't really tell me the results through the phone, though, she said she wanted to "see" me urgently. I knew right away. She's been here for half of the day, bless her.

My hands are shaking... I started this blog a little while ago, to talk about music and myself. Now I think it will have an additional use. It's hard to talk about it, but writing is easy.

I never thought this would be the final result of months of exhaustion and weakness. When one day I found a lump in my left breast, I still thought it was probably something silly like a cyst. Also, it hurt, and everyone around me said I'd be fine, cause cancer doesn't hurt.

It was only when I went to the hospital to do the breast mammogram plus several checks and that the doctor kept silent as he looked at the black spot on the screen that I knew something was wrong. Of course if you tell people around you that you're sure you have cancer, they'll tell you it's useless to think in such a negative way, and that probably it's nothing. But deep in yourself, you know it. I had to go through another test where the doctor inserts a thick tube inside your breast to take a sample of suspicious tissue and healthy tissue: a tru-cut. The scar hasn't healed yet that I have to go through other tests.

I feel fine, but my mum doesn't. It's hard to tell your mum to stop crying. She's more upset that I am... I'm still on a cloud somewhere. Oh, I've cried... a lot... but crying doesn't help. I have all these tests to go through this Friday liver scan, lung scan, bone scan... then on Monday a PET scan and on Wednesday another MRI. That will keep me busy for sure, huh.

I try not to think about it. Otherwise I blame myself for having eaten all the crap food I've ever eaten in my life, the sweets, the sodas, the meats. The use of crappy deodorants. Not having children and reducing the chances of breast cancer. All those silly things. It's the 21st century after all. People heal of cancer...