Late

I've just taken another painkiller right now. It's almost 2am and I can't sleep. Last night was the same. I get tired, get ready for bed, and as soon as I'm lying down, my eyes are bright open. The muscle pain has returned big time. It's again all over my body, but mainly around the abdomen. Every single bowel movement is painful or really unpleasant. The joints in my hands are also extremely sore. And the tip of my fingers is tingling continuously.

I think there's something wrong with my bowels. Seriously. Nothing is working right. And my mouth... *sigh* Why is it that as long as I don't put anything in my mouth, I'm OK, but as soon as I try to eat, or make the slightest attempt to eat, my tongue turns into this sour, raw, dry piece of meat? I get so hungry, but can't eat!!!

This is so frustrating right now. I hate this drug. I hate the fact that it will take LONG after my last chemo before everything is back to normal. Before I can eat normally again. Before I can even taste food. Before my eyelashes and eyebrows grow back. Before my hair grows back. That it could take even longer before the muscle and joint pain disappears. And before I can finally work again and get on with my life! I just hate this right now. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I also hate to rant, but this had to come out at some point... I know I have to live with it; and accept my fate. I do. Always look on the bright side of life, heh... could have been worse. I'm still here, I only have a final chemo to go through... Surgery after that will be like a piece of cake, God willing/fingers crossed/knock on wood/spit.