When you try your best but you don't succeed...

Lately I've been visiting more and more breast cancer forums and websites again. I felt the need to come back here and tell you the rest of my story. Cause it isn't O_V_E_R, like I said a couple of posts back, when I was talking of my last radiation.

Of course it's not all doom and gloom. There's a point after the last radiation where you're ecstatic and so happy you've been through what you've been through.

Then, there's the weight that just keeps piling on and on, but you're like, yeah, whatever, I haven't eaten properly for about 6 months, dude, F*** it!

Months go by where you convince yourself that everything will go back to normal. You just need that single injection once a month and those tiny little harmless pills... harmless? Seriously? Well, let me tell you this:

/start rant/ Those bleeding pills are not harmless. No matter what your doctor says or oncologist or radiotherapist. No matter how many people in the medical sector tell you that the worst is over and that you need to start living now. It's all a big lie. Actually it's the biggest lie about the whole treatment. Cause when you need to go through chemo, you basically now that you will feel sick and lose your hair etc. And when you start radiotherapy you know your skin will burn even though it's painfree. You know all that. But when you take pills, you may or may not have certain side effects... and that's the problem!

Tell me how livable it is to be in a constant brain fuzz? Not able to concentrate for longer than 3 seconds? Can you live your life without emotion? And I mean all the physical aspects of emotion. Goosebumps, butterflies in your tummy, sweaty hands, feelings! The short memory loss is the icing on the cake though. Like, you used to call friends and family just to talk, but you "forget" to do it. What about the need to hug someone you love? How do you explain to your closest people that you have to mentally force yourself to remember to hug them, cause your brain is not functionning well? And that if you don't write it down, you kinda forget to show emotion? How can you possibly tell people that every single sign of emotion is thought about and planned? Prepared and rehearsed? Waiting to be ignited, as if you were some kind of autistic being, living inside your own world?
How do you explain your friends that you forgot to reply to their countless texts, just cause you forgot to click "reply" the second you received the text?
I mean, it sounds like pushing it right? Anybody would say that. Anyone, no matter how much they love you will say, oh, you just don't care anymore. Right? Right??

Yes. All due to those harmless pills. Those pills are like poison. Oh sure, they protect you for the 5 years you will be taking them. Five years of fuzzy brain and fake emotions. Actually it's three more years (I've been taking this for 2 years already) of this longing to finally feel something physical, but you don't. There's a connection failure. A bug.

This year I got married. Yes. I even can't believe it. I met Lotfy last year, and 5 months later he asked me to be his wife. I love him. But read back what I've written and put it in the context of marriage... Tough right?

I can now say married life is the biggest challenge of my entire life. Biggest than anything I've endured until now. I need to be strong like never before. /end rant/

Ow.. I totally forgot

Well it's been a while... but believe me, no news sometimes really means good news. Except for the fact that I've stopped the Idiot-proof diet pretty much 2 months after starting it, because I just wasn't losing any more weight... and as a consequence have gained the weight back, everything's alright.

I've had a couple of tests lately. Some big ones, some less important ones... all resulting into "all clear", so I couldn't be happier, right? The only thing which my doctor pointed out to me was my huge lack of vitamin D, or in other words SUNLIGHT! It's true that when I think about it, I've been trying my hardest to keep out of the sun since starting chemo. Also, once the chemo and radiotherapy was over, I had to cope (and am still coping) with heat flushes, so, I've avoided the sun all summer. That's a whole year without sun! Problem is, as the doctor explained it to me, you need vitamin D because a lack of it weakens your bones, and I can't have that right now. So, I'm thinking of going somewhere far away to a sunny place! Any ideas?

Oh, by the way, I'm gonna start a new diet (oh dear), but this time, I'll have my sis and my cousin and a friend of mine doing it at the same time. That's gonna help, I'm sure! It's called the Dukan diet, and seems pretty easy. It has great results too! I'm really feeling bad about my weight gain, and this is like some sort of last resort. My feet have started to hurt because of my weight (my pills also play a roll in the pain though, but still)...

I've had a lot of calls lately for make up! I'm so happy it's finally starting to work! People have asked me if I had a portfolio with pictures online etc, but I don't. So I started a new website called Sali's Make Up and I'm planning to post pictures of my work soon! So if you ever need a crazy make up for a party or a wedding, call me ;)

Just starting to settle...

Vive la Belgique! Leve België! Viva Belgica! Yesterday was Belgium's National Day after all. Nothing wrong with a bit of national pride, right?

I've embarked myself on an "Idiot-Proof Diet" about a week ago. Needless to say it was about time! Since my last radiation I had gained... 15 kilo's! Yes, in 5 months I got close to a monstrous size... Can't even say how big I was.

Anyway, so I'm well on my way to go from pig to twig now. Just weighed myself now And I lost 4 kilo's!!! Wohhoo! It works!!! If I keep losing 4 kilo's a week (not happening), I'll reach my goal weight in only 6 weeks! BUT, I need to stay realistic. The first 2 weeks you do lose a lot of excess fat. After that, I know I'll be struggling... But I'm up for it! This year I shall become a skinny bitch. HA! Positive thinking though, that's the secret, heh? Naaah, I'm just kidding. I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself.

I had an appointment with Dr. Sweetheart a couple of weeks ago. I've never seen him so smiley and happy to see me (it's been 6 months). He was very pleased about the healing of my scar and how the tissue is settling, even though it's still early stages. Apparently, you can only talk about the result of a scar ONE YEAR after the op. Here's me thinking I'm deformed for life, and he's like "perfect! much better than I expected". Huh?? if you say so, doc....

He's given me pills (natural stuff) to beat the hot flushes I get since the therapy. They've helped a bit... but the heatwave all over Europe doesn't help. I can only sleep with a fan on all night. Otherwise I freak out. Literally.

Now, for your enjoyment: Janelle Monaé:

Anniversary

Wow... we're just 15 minutes past midnight, or in other words, 15 minutes past my 1 year anniversary since what I call "The Big News". I've been thinking all day about writing a small message of hope, of commemoration, ... but couldn't think of anything.

I don't feel anything. It's weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy and thankful! The last couple of days I've had mood swings that brought me from one extreme to the other, and I think I must have hit a middle point... a golden ratio in a way. Where I feel no pain nor grace, no sorrow nor joy. I'm just trying to focus myself on what I'm doing right here and right now, trying to enjoy every single minute of my existence.

Everything around me happens but has no effect on me. You could almost compare it to carelessness. But I do care!

Men, my feet hurt! It's getting worse and worse to be honest. I've worked part-time for two months now, and just started full-time, and I'm standing up quite often. I wish it would go over, but everyday it's more and more painful. You should see me in the morning! I look like an old lady who's lost the use of her knees.

Next week I'm going to London, visit my friends and see Keane live in a forest. I can't wait, hopefully the weather will be nice!

Amazing performance...

I hope this girl comes to Belgium, otherwise I need to find myself a cheap ticket to Norway!

Princess Layla

Babysitting

I'm looking at my little nephew who's sound asleep on the mattress next to my bed... he's so sweet. He has his teddy 'rabbit' with him. He wanted me to put some music on like his mum does when he goes to sleep... more like lullaby music, you know. She has this machine that has sound and light and it helps the kids to sleep. It even plays the ocean... My only alternative was... Sigur Ros! And it worked! Bless him... He's really adorable.

So, yes, I am babysitting because my sister is at the hospital! This is it. This time she'll be giving birth to another lovely little girl. I just hope she won't suffer too much...

More soon ;)