When you try your best but you don't succeed...

Lately I've been visiting more and more breast cancer forums and websites again. I felt the need to come back here and tell you the rest of my story. Cause it isn't O_V_E_R, like I said a couple of posts back, when I was talking of my last radiation.

Of course it's not all doom and gloom. There's a point after the last radiation where you're ecstatic and so happy you've been through what you've been through.

Then, there's the weight that just keeps piling on and on, but you're like, yeah, whatever, I haven't eaten properly for about 6 months, dude, F*** it!

Months go by where you convince yourself that everything will go back to normal. You just need that single injection once a month and those tiny little harmless pills... harmless? Seriously? Well, let me tell you this:

/start rant/ Those bleeding pills are not harmless. No matter what your doctor says or oncologist or radiotherapist. No matter how many people in the medical sector tell you that the worst is over and that you need to start living now. It's all a big lie. Actually it's the biggest lie about the whole treatment. Cause when you need to go through chemo, you basically now that you will feel sick and lose your hair etc. And when you start radiotherapy you know your skin will burn even though it's painfree. You know all that. But when you take pills, you may or may not have certain side effects... and that's the problem!

Tell me how livable it is to be in a constant brain fuzz? Not able to concentrate for longer than 3 seconds? Can you live your life without emotion? And I mean all the physical aspects of emotion. Goosebumps, butterflies in your tummy, sweaty hands, feelings! The short memory loss is the icing on the cake though. Like, you used to call friends and family just to talk, but you "forget" to do it. What about the need to hug someone you love? How do you explain to your closest people that you have to mentally force yourself to remember to hug them, cause your brain is not functionning well? And that if you don't write it down, you kinda forget to show emotion? How can you possibly tell people that every single sign of emotion is thought about and planned? Prepared and rehearsed? Waiting to be ignited, as if you were some kind of autistic being, living inside your own world?
How do you explain your friends that you forgot to reply to their countless texts, just cause you forgot to click "reply" the second you received the text?
I mean, it sounds like pushing it right? Anybody would say that. Anyone, no matter how much they love you will say, oh, you just don't care anymore. Right? Right??

Yes. All due to those harmless pills. Those pills are like poison. Oh sure, they protect you for the 5 years you will be taking them. Five years of fuzzy brain and fake emotions. Actually it's three more years (I've been taking this for 2 years already) of this longing to finally feel something physical, but you don't. There's a connection failure. A bug.

This year I got married. Yes. I even can't believe it. I met Lotfy last year, and 5 months later he asked me to be his wife. I love him. But read back what I've written and put it in the context of marriage... Tough right?

I can now say married life is the biggest challenge of my entire life. Biggest than anything I've endured until now. I need to be strong like never before. /end rant/